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Pool of Tears

September 12, 2012 0 Comments

Sometimes you just need a good cry.  Today was one of those days for me.  Tears began streaming on my way home from running errands, and didn’t stop until I reached the bathroom floor (don’t ask).  I knew exactly what this was about.  It was time to shed another layer of my past that is no longer serving me.  This time it was guilt and shame. 

Guilt and shame are cousins on the ego side of the family.  I have entertained them almost this entire lifetime.  Shame came into my life at a young age.  It was when I started comparing my family life with what I perceived to be the perfect home life of others (more on this in my Freedom from Ashes post).  I was ashamed of not having the perfect family, not realizing at the time that almost every family has some challenges of their own.  Guilt began tagging along when I began to seek love and acceptance in all the wrong places.  I have recognized how they have hurt me over the years through counseling, spiritual development, self-help courses, and even through writing on this blog.  Recognition is one thing, but now it is time to disown them. 

Yesterday, I was practicing Life Visioning and seeking God’s highest vision for my life.  I have been receiving flashes of visions of me helping thousands, and even millions, of people through sharing the messages I have received along my spiritual journey.  To be honest, it scares the crap out of me.  Ego is telling me I’m not ready, I don’t have enough speaking experience, I’m still ashamed of parts of my past, I don’t have my “5-step plan” together, etc.  Excuses.  I was asking for help in releasing whatever is blocking me from expressing full confidence in His vision for my life. 

I was led to listen to a talk by Iyanla Vanzant and she said, “call in the Queen.”  Those of you that know me personally, or have read my Queen Bee post, know that is my nickname.  It was like she was speaking directly to me.  Even though the talk was given years ago, she was speaking to my soul.  She went on to say, “The Queen’s job is to take care of the kingdom, and the kingdom is your life…whenever you feel like you can’t do it alone, call in the Queen in you who is always connected to the King.”  I wanted to jump through the screen and give her a high five!  YES, Iyanla!!

Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith says in his Life Visioning process, “Who do you need to become in order to manifest God’s highest vision for your life?”  Later in the day, I turned on the CD player in the car and, sure enough, it was Rev. Michael talking about exactly this.  “What skills do you need to develop?…Describe the person that has manifested that vision?…Who do they surround themselves with…What do they sound like?” 

Those two pep talks helped me feel better in the moment.  They got me thinking about the things I can do to prepare myself to live my purpose.  But, they still didn’t help me connect with what was blocking me from being who God is calling me to be.  This morning, the answer drowned my ego through my tears, and helped me hear the voice of the Spirit within me (“the Queen”).  I came face-to-face with the reality and had two choices: (1) call forth the Queen, or (2) stay stuck in the ego’s small view of who I am and what I can be.  The ego was trying hard to make me feel like I am not worthy of the goodness that God is preparing me for due to the guilt and shame I was carrying from the past.  I will not let the ego win again.  I am disowning the ego and its cousins, guilt and shame.  As A Course in Miracles says over and over, “I am as God created me.”  Nothing can change that. 

I am a Queen. In each moment, I manifest God’s goodness in the Kingdom of my life.  I am a bold witness to the grace of God.  I share His love wherever I go.    

Have you been shrinking from moving forward on a dream or a vision for your life?  Has the ego been trying to tell you that you aren’t good enough or that you aren’t ready?  What can you affirm in place of the ego’s lies in order to begin manifesting what God has for you?  I’d love to hear your stories!

Keep shining!



About the Author:

I used to live life shackled by fear, doubt, and worry. I put on a happy face while navigating my day-to-day duties, but I was emotionally drained, stressed, and unhappy. When I hit rock bottom, and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I was determined to live life differently. I knew there had to be another way. Out of that determination, and guidance from Spirit, the "Living in the Light" blog was born. It documents my spiritual journey out of the darkness and into the Light. After nine months of publicly sharing my journey, and consciously releasing my attachment to the ego, I experienced a powerful spiritual awakening. I went from living in fear, doubt, worry, and stress to complete inner peace. My greatest passion has become assisting others on their own journey to inner peace. My spiritual memoir, From Stress to Peace: An Intimate Journal on the Journey from Living in Darkness to Living in the Light, is available now on Amazon and Click the tabs at the top of the page to learn more about the From Stress to Peace 21-Day Challenge, Living in the Light Retreats, 1:1 sessions, and the Living in the Light Community - all of which are designed to support your journey to inner peace. I appreciate you taking the time to visit the blog and look forward to supporting you in any way I can!