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Sweet Surrender

February 24, 2013 4 Comments

                                       (Photo credit: Nathanielle)

Just when I thought I was close to releasing my attachment to the ego, it came back for a riveting encore performance.  After months of blissful peace and awe-inspiring mystical experiences, I found myself getting agitated by things that hadn’t bothered me in quite some time.  I felt fatigued, even though I was getting plenty of rest.  I didn’t feel like talking with people, mainly because I felt like no one would understand what I was going through.  I felt incredibly lonely.

These emotions were all too familiar.  The feeling I had was reminiscent of the depression I went through over a year ago.  “How could I be depressed again after all of this spiritual work?”  I thought to myself.  I wasn’t buying it.  In fact, I tried to ignore it because I didn’t want to give it power over me.  I started saying things like, “This too shall pass” and “Joy will come in the morning,” but they didn’t have much of an effect.

I pulled a book off my shelf by St. John of the Cross that explains the Dark Night of the Soul, or spiritual depression, but I couldn’t bring myself to read it.  I really thought I could skip this step.  That I would just go on living in the bliss of the peace of God without interruption for the remainder of this lifetime.  I was wrong.  For those who don’t know, the Dark Night of the Soul happens to many spiritual seekers.  Most of the famous mystics, saints, and sages wrote about this period with eloquence; illuminating the experience and paving the way for seekers to come.

The Dark Night is a stage of feeling detached from God, and detached from the world; a spiritual limbo if you will.  This stage comes after one has made significant spiritual progress, and has enjoyed a period of peaceful union with God.  In this stage, you understand intellectually that you are one with God and, in fact, have experienced that Truth directly via mystical experiences, but you cannot feel the connection at the moment.  A more detailed description of the Dark Night can be found here.  Mother Teresa, one of the many mystics I admire, spent the last 50 years of her life in the Dark Night (yes, 50 years).  I remember sharing this fact with my husband last week when I was trying to describe what I was going through, and he said, “So, what did she do to get by?”  He asked it in a way that showed tremendous empathy for what I was going through.  He didn’t want me to go through depression again.  I was grateful for his concern about me, but had a feeling this was something I had to go through.

Each description I had read of another’s journey through the Dark Night highlighted different means for getting through it.  There really was no one-size-fits-all solution.  Instead of trying to follow a cookie-cutter plan, I just decided to surrender and rely fully on the Holy Spirit to guide me each step of the way.  As soon as I did that, I could barely keep up with how fast solutions came my way.  Every day I was guided to the right book, audio, or person to connect with; each with the exact words I needed to hear.  I also remained steady in my prayer and meditation practice, regardless of its fruits.

It all came to a crossroads yesterday, after listening to Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda and almost finishing the book Before I Am by Mooji.  I knew that I had to make a decision once and for all – ego or Spirit; body or soul.  Prior to that time, I was slipping back and forth between them.  Some days I was fully flowing in the recognition that “I am as God created me” (A Course in Miracles), and so is everyone else, and other days I found myself slipping into some of my old ego-driven tendencies (especially in my relationship with my limit-testing 3-year-old son).  I was sitting on the couch, and the following prayer poured through me as the tears flowed:

Lord, show me where there is still an attachment to ego in me

I want to be fully aligned with and immersed in You

You are all I need

Reveal my hidden thoughts

Reveal my unconscious guilt

Guide me to the right Teacher, human or in Spirit, that can

Uncover and remove any traces of darkness in the crevices of my soul

My deepest desire is to experience the wholeness in which I was created

I surrender all

I am not in control, You are

I humbly allow Your Will to be done through me

After putting my pen down and setting my journal aside, I slipped into a deep meditation.  It was healing to my soul.  I could feel the power of the Love of God flowing through me effortlessly.  My body had a warm and tingly feeling, and a complete peace washed over me.  I knew the desires of my heart had been heard.  I was like a child again.  No plotting or planning what’s next; just fully allowing God to work through me and reveal His plan for this body.  All desire to control things to my liking was gone.  With ego aside, the drain is unclogged so God can pour through without interruption.  So grateful for this healing reminder of Truth!

Are you going through a spiritual depression?  Know that you are not alone.  I know how challenging it can be to share this with anyone because you have been on such a spiritual high for so long.  Feel free to reach out to me at for non-judgmental, loving encouragement on the journey. 

Keep shining!


Kandace Jones

About the Author:

I used to live life shackled by fear, doubt, and worry. I put on a happy face while navigating my day-to-day duties, but I was emotionally drained, stressed, and unhappy. When I hit rock bottom, and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I was determined to live life differently. I knew there had to be another way. Out of that determination, and guidance from Spirit, the "Living in the Light" blog was born. It documents my spiritual journey out of the darkness and into the Light. After nine months of publicly sharing my journey, and consciously releasing my attachment to the ego, I experienced a powerful spiritual awakening. I went from living in fear, doubt, worry, and stress to complete inner peace. My greatest passion has become assisting others on their own journey to inner peace. My spiritual memoir, From Stress to Peace: An Intimate Journal on the Journey from Living in Darkness to Living in the Light, is available now on Amazon and Click the tabs at the top of the page to learn more about the From Stress to Peace 21-Day Challenge, Living in the Light Retreats, 1:1 sessions, and the Living in the Light Community - all of which are designed to support your journey to inner peace. I appreciate you taking the time to visit the blog and look forward to supporting you in any way I can!