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What Did I Do To Deserve This?

October 19, 2012 2 Comments

What did I do to deserve this? 

That is a question that plagues many of us when the worst happens in our lives.  It’s a question that, I hate to admit, crossed my mind just last week, and during portions of this week.  On Friday of last week, I wrote briefly on my blog Facebook page about a car accident that took place last Thursday, in which my car was hit by another driver. Well, the very next day I was hit by yet another driver and this time I was injured.  This makes THREE car accidents in the last month and a half, and my first car accidents I’ve ever had while driving (well, aside from a minor bump of another vehicle while parallel parking…don’t act like it’s just me :-)).

Immediately following last Friday’s accident, I was running on adrenalin and was able to take care of all of the details with surprising ease.  Then the post-adrenalin crash set in.  I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks.  The left side of my face, my left shoulder, and left arm were numb for days, and I had significant pain in my back.  Meanwhile, my two boys (ages 3 ½, and 1 ½), were going full speed and my husband was trying to take care of a family member who is staying with us for a month (and arrived the day before the accidents took place).  To be completely honest, I was annoyed – all I wanted to do was lay down and close my eyes for a while.

I made it through the weekend, and started feeling a bit better on Monday, but then had to deal with the many details that need to be taken care of after a car accident (times three).  I had to deal with the insurance companies, rental car company, city government, auto body shop, car dealerships, etc.  In addition, there are a few other things occuring simultaneously with my work transition and home repairs that I was allowing to suck me in and stress me out. 

Taking my own advice from my last post, “Calm in the Storm“, I continued my morning and evening meditation/prayer time, but it was kind of dry and I wasn’t feeling as connected to God.  When I finally had some extended down time, I picked up an inspirational book I’m reading for a class entitled “Entering the Castle” by Caroline Myss.  I heard the Spirit speak to me through her words. 

“Your goal is to transcend the controlling influence that the false gods of the outside world – like stress, money, and peer pressure-have on you and your relationship to God.” ~Caroline Myss

Yesterday, even after being given a clue to the lesson in all of this through reading Entering the Castle (and other inspirational readings, including my daily lesson in the workbook of A Course in Miracles), I still had a “Why me? What is this all for?” moment.  Beyond wallowing in thoughts about how this could be happening to me, I really wanted to learn and grow from the experience.  I was thinking, “I have been reading the Word, giving, meditating, praying, keeping my mind in the Spirit, trying my best to see the good in others, etc., and now everything is crashing down in front of me…what message am I supposed to learn from this, God?  Help me see this with new eyes.”  

Then, today, not long after I ran down the list of 10+ things that are annoying me right now to my husband (Side note:  I’m so grateful he sees Who I really am…beyond my momentary lapses of memory of my true Self :-)), I logged in to Facebook and the very first thing that popped up was the following quote from a great teacher of A Course in Miracles, Ken Wapnick.  Talk about Divine timing.  There was the answer I had been waiting for.

 “We may feel victimized by what seems to be happening to us in our lives, but that interpretation of victimization is nothing but that — an interpretation. And if we’re willing to accept our role in giving that interpretation to external events, then we can join with Jesus and allow him to offer a different interpretation in which no one is guilty, including, and especially, ourselves.” ~Ken Wapnick

I read on, and the following quote was embedded in a response from Ken to a Course student that was feeling victimized by her circumstances in life.  She had a recurring pattern of negative events that were showing up in her life and she was wondering if there was something she wasn’t getting right in her spiritual walk because the negativity kept returning (sure sounds familiar to me!).  In his response, Ken shared one of my favorite lines from A Course in Miracles that I totally forgot to call forth when all of this was going on:

“The Course itself says that ‘trials are but lessons that you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you’ (T.31.VIII.3:1). But it is always and only ever talking about the content of our own perceptions of others [and situations], and the pain those judgments bring, and not the specific form of events as they seem to play out in our lives. And there is nothing in the Course that says you must repeat the cycle of pain and suffering until you get it right, as if there were some kind of karmic debt to be paid. This may be true within the ego thought system, but the whole purpose of the Course is to expose the insanity of the ego so we can make a choice for sanity against that thought system.” ~Ken Wapnick

Then, to put icing on the cake, I looked back at Caroline Myss’ book, and re-read this passage (a little long, but really brings the lesson full circle).   Just in case I still was allowing the ego to make me feel entitled to only “good” life experiences (clearly I still was), the Spirit led me to read these words – again :-).

“The word ‘deserve’ causes immeasurable pain.  Beliefs about what we deserve are rooted in social-superstitious creed that suggests bad things should only happen to good people.  Most people believe that if they are good, God will reward them with protection from all underserved suffering.  This is human logic, but not divine logic.  Pain and pleasure, suffering and abundance, are two sides of the coin of life experience.  The divine asks you to learn through your life experiences.  Yet we struggle with the concepts of deserving because we continually strive to see the logic behind events that occur to us.  We cling to the belief that goodness is a shield of protection against having to experience the injustice or unfairness.  But all sides of life [can been seen from the perspective] of the divine; the unjust side tests our capacity to trust in a Wisdom greater than our own.  Without that trust, we often end up feeling betrayed by God, believing that somehow the wrong things happened to us.  Such illusions give rise to bitterness and an inability to forgive.” ~Caroline Myss

I hope that these words, which ministered to me during this difficult time, help someone else who is also dealing with multiple challenges in their life right now.  I pray that you are able to tune out the ego and world, and tune in to your true Self, in order to experience the state of peace that is your inheritance – no matter what life sends your way.  I pray that you can rise above any worldly appearances and see only the Love of God.  I pray that we can help each other remember Who and Whose we are.  Much love!

Keep shining!


Kandace Jones

About the Author:

I used to live life shackled by fear, doubt, and worry. I put on a happy face while navigating my day-to-day duties, but I was emotionally drained, stressed, and unhappy. When I hit rock bottom, and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I was determined to live life differently. I knew there had to be another way. Out of that determination, and guidance from Spirit, the "Living in the Light" blog was born. It documents my spiritual journey out of the darkness and into the Light. After nine months of publicly sharing my journey, and consciously releasing my attachment to the ego, I experienced a powerful spiritual awakening. I went from living in fear, doubt, worry, and stress to complete inner peace. My greatest passion has become assisting others on their own journey to inner peace. My spiritual memoir, From Stress to Peace: An Intimate Journal on the Journey from Living in Darkness to Living in the Light, is available now on Amazon and Click the tabs at the top of the page to learn more about the From Stress to Peace 21-Day Challenge, Living in the Light Retreats, 1:1 sessions, and the Living in the Light Community - all of which are designed to support your journey to inner peace. I appreciate you taking the time to visit the blog and look forward to supporting you in any way I can!